Diary Author Unknown
by XxBlaiddxX
Summary: Diary entries from Scully's POV. Chock full of Scully!Angst. Set as if the second movie never happened, present day. Rated T just to be on the safe side. :
1. Chapter 1

Diary author unknown:

April 21st, 2008

I sit here, at a desk I've sat at many times before.

The past four years this desk has heard silent and loud tears.... It has witnessed many a fight... and many a loving union. It was here when I was married. It was here when I gave birth. This desk holds my most precious belongings- and the things I hate the most.

***

Four years ago we moved here. I was scared. he was scared. And I'm sure, somehow, my fear rubbed off on my unborn baby at the time. We had been running for at least two years at the time. Running for our lives. If we stopped for even a week, we knew we'd have unmarked black vans and cars on our tail immediately. So...we pressed on.

If you're looking to lose weight, I recommend it. We had a reasonable amount of money, but we could never relax and use it. We had to conserve on food and toiletries, and luxury items were out of the question. I know many times it was only Him that kept me moving forward. I also know that without me, He would have given up a long time ago.

*William*.

I think the name...and then I put it out of my mind again. No. I can't think about him. I can't talk about him, I can't write about him. Yet- he's always there. I know he's out there, somewhere. The second I signed him over to the adoption agency, I knew. I knew it was the beginning of the end. Of course, within a matter of months we started running, Mulder and I.

***

I always took for granted my partnership with Mulder. For years we were just FBI partners and nothing more. Oh, we trusted each other implicitly, were the best of friends, and we constantly held each other's life in our respective hands. We would never allow our feelings for each other cloud our work or judgement, though. For years the rumors flitted around the FBI till they were stale and overused. After a while the quota became that I was '', and that was all there was to it.

Then he left.

And I was pregnant.

Because after 7 years together we finally gave in. Just once, and I was punished. At first, I thought God was punishing me, laughing behind my back. A baby was all I wanted, and it was the one thing I couldn't have. I felt like He was saying if He was to cause a miracle and give me the child I so dearly longed for, I would have to sacrifice the thing most precious to me. My partner.

After a while I came to terms with *It*, my pregnancy. Some people diagnosed with cancer miraculously go into remission...I miraculously was able to conceive. And I came to terms with God. God hadn't taken Mulder, *They* had. I struggled with the possibility that maybe a baby was supposed to be a condolence. A condolence to fill the empty gap Mulder's leaving had left.

As I'm writing this the pen in my hand is shaking. The tears stream down my face in rivulets as I realize what I'm writing. I gave up God's miracle. I wonder if anyone but me has ever done something like that.

I do have Elizabeth, thank God. I didn't dare believe that after giving up William God would ever trust me to rear another child.

She looks exactly like Emily...

I hear Mulder at the front door to the apartment, and he'll no doubt wake up Libby-she'll be hungry, she's been napping all afternoon. For a four year old she sleeps a lot...today was her birthday, I didn't even tell her.

***

Dana


	2. Chapter 2

April 28th 2008

~Belief Systems~

I finger the cross on my neck, the thin chain so worn from years of fondling it. When we were younger I was always so skeptical of Mulder's ideas- yet he was so skeptical of mine. He was never anti-religious by any means- he respected my beliefs as I do his. Through the years our belief systems have morphed into a pool of something resembling a UFO cult. Mixing paranormal with a strong belief in god.

Bill died last year. I didn't find out in till two months after the funeral. How could I? I haven't spoken to mom in at least 3 years. I strain to think when that was. Oh, I remember- Mulder bought a cellphone that we disposed of immediately after calling her. After that we watched our backs for weeks, jumping at the slightest sound.

I miss Mom...

But back to Bill. It was a freak chance that I even found out about his death. One day I was at home, singing to Libby, doing laundry, escaping...and then Mulder came in the door with that cocky smile he usually has for Libby when he gets home. But I noticed something different. Something was wrong. He finally got her to go into her bedroom and he led me back into ours.

"Mulder?" I was concerned, and it showed.

He didn't look cocky anymore. He avoided my glance for a few seconds, then dug his fists into his pockets. He met my eyes and my stomach sank at what I saw in his stare. He slowly took out a small folded piece of paper and put it in my palm. I looked at it, dreading. I carefully unfolded it. At first I thought it was my father's Obituary from 1993, but then I saw the JR at the end of 'William Scully'.

My mouth opened but nothing came out. I started to sink to my knees, not believing what I saw before my eyes.

Thankfully my angel was waiting. Mulder folded me into his arms, and let me sob into his shirt.

He had got a young wife and daughter- How could he possibly die? He was in Iraq near a school that blew up, killing hundreds inside and out. Why do I dwell on these thoughts?

Because I can.

Opening the top drawer of my desk, I take out a large battered piece of paper that's been folded and unfolded more times than I care to count. I finger it, letting the little ripples in the paper rub against my skin. I love this scrap of a piece of paper, yet it also causes me grief. It means I'm bonded with the man I love, yet it also means I'll never be able to take his last name, never be the person I truly want to be.

Mulder knows I write in this book- When he came in the door last week, he saw me quickly close it and shove it into my desk drawer. I locked the drawer, and that was a dead give away. He smiled that little 'Ok, you'll tell me when you're ready' smile of his. Damn him.

***

Dana


	3. Chapter 3

I lie here, under a blacked sky. Far beyond the glaring streetlights and the thousands of people we struggle to avoid every single day of our existence. I weep quietly as I write this, for our four years of relative peace have come to an end. We knew it couldn't last forever, but I never thought...I never thought it would be my fault.

It's all my fault.

I wince as my own biting harsh words ring back into my ears. As my voice rose and rose until our landlord was forced to call the police. As I heard Libby crying in the background. As Mulder was blamed and arrested. As I saw my peace dissolve.

It doesn't matter what we fought about. I know that now. I just know I hurt him. And I liked it at the time. like fighting with a punching bag. Verbally beating up someone you know would never ever hurt you, therefore you feel like you can hurt it to your fill.

Oh god, what have I DONE?

Elizabeth, thank god, is asleep. I know how much this affects her, seeing us fight, then the police coming, taking her daddy away. The chaos of it all. I'm struggling to control my own emotions right now. She could wake at any moment.

I hear her gentle breathing, and her little sleep-noises. I see nothing but Mulder and myself in her. I am a Medical Doctor, but I still cannot truly believe the miracle of genetics and birth...

I know where I should be. I should be home, packing the basic necessities, withdrawing bail money from the bank, making up with my partner... we've been married nearly our years and yet he still feels like my partner. I still feel that if we fight, all I have to do is storm out and pout in my own cozy apartment, far from any responsibility of any other person. I miss him already. I'm miles away from him, but if I close my eyes I can see him.

I don't....I don't know why I brought this diary with me. I must talk with someone who I don't feel guilty telling all my painful stories and emotions to. Praying only goes so far.

Someone's here, I have to go-

Dana


	4. Chapter 4

Ow.

Ow ow ow ow ow!

Every muscle in my body throbs and aches, but It's nothing compared to the trauma I feel inside of me. I plod along, seemingly uncaring, as I walk further and further away from my destination. I am not uncaring, though. On the inside I care more than anyone could possibly imagine.

Dreams plague my every sleeping moment. Not nightmares, but worse. Good Dreams. Beautiful, sensuous dreams- ones that leave you waiting for more. Damn them. Taunting me.

As I read my last diary entry of 3 days ago, it scares me. It scares me of what could have happened. Who could have pulled up in a large black pickup. As it was, it was only the state trooper. Libby and I hid in a bush, my hand over her mouth.


End file.
